i wonder if there’s an honest husband alive who would not secretly admit to actually enjoying his wife’s planned, but still unexpected, 2 week call “out of town”, much to his own surprise. who wouldn’t have to admit to the temporary feeling of relief… of release…. of so called… “freedom”.

yes, i know you’re out there, my deceased father amongst you…. husbands who never want(ed) to breathe a day without their “soul mates” and life partners. but me… sure, i call, text, facebook and whats app my wife, who is now in indonesia at her youngest sister’s wedding… at least every other day, but i also know that she is lost to the 3rd world for these 2 weeks. lost to its heat, to its poverty, to its overwhelming familial demands, and that… i just have to let go… of my attachment.

i can feel it, recognize it, but still… i still have to… let go.

i know she loves me.

i know i love her.

but time apart from each other is good for perspective.

it’s good to “strengthen the bonds that remain.” (dylan from “slow train coming”).

 

still, i remember when i was a freedom-loving, uncommitted, single-living young turk. i didn’t believe in marriage. it was for the weak of mind. it was weak-willed surrender and unnecessary institutional conformity that those free of spirit and committed to constant self-invention didn’t “settle” for. then, around mid century (my own), i found myself in a self-created prison of this so-called “freedom”, which wasn’t really freedom at all, but rather, despondent and lonely LA living, where my only intimacies were made in foreign countries and at long distances.

 

so when, 12 years ago, i accidentally met and consciously married a much younger woman than myself, one who didn’t speak my language, who didn’t know my cultural, religious, or intellectual reference points, one from a 3rd world hungry country, i unknowingly began a terrifically-challenging journey/adventure/leap of faith that has never stopped being so.

 

marriage has constantly challenged my need for control, challenged my intelligence, challenged my ability to empathize, to support, to “love” another human being.

 

it has stretched and taught me more than i ever knew possible… about… compromise, commitment, and perseverance, about fear and trust, about, as i said, letting go, and about, indeed, “love” itself, that complicated and indefinable human concept/emotion/relationship that means so much to each and every one of us, no matter how we individually or collectively define it, fight it, enjoy it, search for it, reject it, yearn for it, accept it… or experience it.

 

so yeah, i miss my wife today.

 

surya, in medan, indonesia, who doesn’t have the time to skype or chat or call or take care of her husband… who… both honestly appreciates his temporary “freedom” (spring break, y’all!)… as well as his long term journey with, and commitment to, his lovely wife.

 

see u sooooooooooooooon, my dear!

 

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